Don’t give up and don’t give in

You are here alone again
In your sweet insanity
All too calm, you hide yourself from reality
Do you call it solitude? Do you call it liberty?
When all the world turns away to leave you lonely

The fields are filled with desires
All voices crying for freedom
But all in vain they will fade away
There's only you to answer you, forever

In blinded mind you are singing
A glorious hallelujah
The distant flutter of angels
They're all too far, too far to reach for you

I am here alone again
In my sweet serenity
Hoping you will ever find me in any place
I will call it solitude when all my songs fade in vain
In my voice, far away to eternity

So, today I decided to actually open my wardrobe and unpack my bags.  My room feels a lot more… homely now.  Got all my folders up and organised, lamp, tidied up a bit.. I’m feeling better now.  Had a slight panic attack from people banging on my doors and windows at ridiculous times and shouting in the streets outside, but I feel better now.  Last night I felt trapped in a breezeblock cell, but now it feels more.. comforting, now I have familiar books on the shelf and everything feels a bit more ‘me’.

Went shopping yesterday.  My god the Arndale centre is busy on a Saturday.  Queues of at least 100 people in Primark (Decided against getting anything.  2 hour queue no thanks).

Got a call from grandma today.  She sounded in tears, complaining that everybody had abandoned her.  So now I’ve got that on my conscience.  Marvellous.

In general though, it’s been a boring 3 days.  My mood’s been very up-and-down recently, I’m not exactly skilled at dealing with change in my life.  It tends to be associated with something bad happening.  And can someone tell me how the fuck shouting “ARIBA ARIBA!” over and over again, banging on doors and windows, and ringing doorbells 37 times for 4 hours is considered fun?  I respect that you need to be intoxicated to feel any kind of stimulation, please respect that I don’t.

It got too much last night; I think it was the aftermath of the Fresher’s “Ball” that apparently happened last night.

Anybody know anything about software patents?  Go go gadget research..

Oh and I desperately need a printer.

Portal

This was a triumph.
I’m making a note here:
HUGE SUCCESS.
It’s hard to overstate
my satisfaction.
Aperture Science.
We do what we must
because we can.
For the good of all of us
Except the ones who are dead.
But there’s no sense crying
over every mistake.
You just keep on trying
till you run out of cake.
And the Science gets done
And you make a neat gun
For the people who are still alive.

I’m not even angry.
I’m being so sincere right now.
Even though you broke my heart
And killed me.
And tore me to pieces.
And threw every piece into a fire.
As they burned it hurt because
I was so happy for you!
Now these points of data
make a beautiful line.
And we’re out of beta
We’re releasing on time.
So I’m GLaD I got burned.
Think of all the things we learned
for the people who are
still alive.

Go ahead and leave me.
I think I prefer to stay inside.
Maybe you’ll find someone else
to help you.
Maybe Black Mesa…
THAT WAS A JOKE. HA HA. FAT CHANCE.
Anyway, this cake is great.
It’s so delicious and moist.
Look at me still talking
when there’s Science to do.
When I look out there,
it makes me GLaD I’m not you.
I’ve experiments to run.
There is research to be done.
On the people who are still alive.

PS. And believe me I am still alive.

PPS. I’m doing Science and I’m still alive.

PPPS. I feel FANTASTIC and I’m still alive.

FINAL THOUGHT:
While you’re dying I’ll be
still alive.

FINAL THOUGHT PS:
And when you’re dead I will be
still alive.

STILL ALIVE.

Portal is a great game. Best two hour long game evar. Go, go play it. No, stop reading. STOP READING. GO PLAY IT. NOW.

Who am I, where am I going, do I still want to travel the path I chose?

 

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

 

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

 

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

 

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

- Robert Frost

I feel strange.

I feel like I’ve lost my identity, that I’m not the same person that I was a week ago.

I was so prepared for an AABB that I was certain that it would be what I got, and that the path that I would tread to the future would be the path that I chose for myself long ago, to go to university, to do Computing in some capacity, to finish university, move to America, work at games development, and be generally happy.

But now I’m not so sure. I’ve gotten 4 As, and one of them is 100% in a subject, which is quite ridiculous. In fact, the subject that I thought I wanted to do, I got the lowest A in of the 4, barely scraping. And now I’ve just gotten to thinking, do I really want to be pursuing this path, which I barely scrape in? Computing doesn’t seem as good as it did a week ago, as fulfilling, as good a life plan as something else.

Getting these 4 As, it’s like I’m walking down my focused path and I come to a star junction of thousands of different paths. I’ve already talked on this blog about how HORRIBLE I find choices – if I go down one road, would another road have turned out to have better opportunities, and a better life? I feel like hundreds of doors have opened around me, but I’m too scared to even look in one of them for fear of missing the treasures that lay beyond the other doors.

It’s all happening too fast. One day, I find out where I am in life, how broad my horizons are. Two weeks later, I have to make an important choice about my subjects next year, about what I’m preparing the rest of my life for. And then one week after that, I have to choose a university, choose a course. Which is essentially deciding… MY LIFE.

There was a time when I would just have said Computing without thinking about it. But now I just don’t know, at all. Computing just doesn’t seem GOOD any more, now that I know what I -COULD- do, given my results.

I’m lost and I can’t find the path that I prepared for myself.

Feeling decidedly meh.

String Theory

Missed… the… last… train… home…
Birds… pass… by… to… tell me that I’m not alone.
Well I’m pushing myself, to finish this part
I can handle a lot but one thing I’m missing
Is in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes.

Have… you… seen… this… film…
It… re… minds… me… of walking through the avenues.
Well I’m washing my hands, of attachments, yeah.
I’ll land on the ground, but one thing I’m missing
Is in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes.

In your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes , in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes, in your eyes.

Eyes by Rogue Waves.

So, anyway. 4.5 lessons remaining until the big end of school Magic partay. Maths, Electronics, (Tutorial doesn’t count, Guitar doesn’t count), Further Maths, Further Maths, Computing.

How much work do I expect we’ll be doing? Eh, a minimum. Specially when my Further Maths homework for tomorrow is “Think up at least 10 general knowledge questions for a quiz”. Quite a change from differential equations, then. And I’ve been told to bring my poker chips in on Friday for Further Maths then for our last ever lesson with Ms Cox, so.

As for Maths tomorrow, it’ll be spent doing coursework. I just have 2 marks of the 16 total to get now, can I get those in an hour and a half? Ah, what’s it matter. Electronics… I doubt we’ll be doing anything much. Perhaps just working on our serial transmitter/receivers, or the frequency shift key. Or maybe watching a video like we did in Physics today.

Oh, speaking of which, String Theory is an extremely fascinating subject. The idea that the universe is made up of tiny vibrating strings so that the whole world is bound together in harmonics is very interesting. And the ramifications if this is true; the parallel worlds in which every single possibility is played out, like somewhere out there there’s a Mindez that’s like Ace Rimmer. That would amuse me. And if every possibility is played out, shouldn’t there be at least one reality that has discovered trans-dimensional travel? Perhaps, then, the strings that are the key to this mystery can never be discovered, and never utilised to manipulate the worlds, but they are there, the one universal constant that keeps everything together, keeps it all moving..

Of course, I don’t understand the concept. I’ve watched a 1 hour Americanised TV program about it that had Physicists talking to dogs and walking through walls. So I don’t claim any expertise. I’m just musing about the concept as I understand it. And the way that it’s so.. science fiction, and yet so real.

Well, back to working on Physics… Key Skills has to be finished by tomorrow.

…And today.

…And yesterday, to think of it.

And last week…

-Mindez